Newton's Laws of Motion

I met Wenhai, my ex-roommate's husband, in the food court one night and we were both eating alone. He signaled me to sit with him, and we started chatting. I had not talked with him for a few years. He was in China last month, visiting his sick grandmother. When I asked him about his visa application, he laughed, and said that I wouldn't believe it. Then he told me his experience with the American Consulate in Guangzhou.

I needed to get a new visa. When I went to pick up my passport, I was told that my visa wasn't approved, and I had to make an interview with one of the consuls. I had never had any trouble with the visa applications before. "There must be a mistake," I concluded, on my way to see the consul.

The consul was a short Chinese American, thirty something, in a suit. He took out my application, and began the interrogation.

"It says that you are from Chicago University here, but over here it says California Institute of Technology. Which school are you attending anyway?"

"Well, I transferred from Chicago to California four years ago. Last time when I got my visa renewed, your consulate made a mistake. I told them about it, but they thought it was harmless so they didn't correct it. I hope it's not a problem now." I answered in great confidence, and believed that nobody could hold it against me.

He glanced at me, and was apparently disappointed that he could not wrong me. Instead he flipped through my application forms, trying to find something of interest.

"So you are a physics major?"

"Yes. Right now I am doing research in applied physics."

"Then tell me about your research."

My research? Optoelectronic devices? My advisor is the world expert on optical computing. Even people in our field find our work difficult to understand. Why would this consul want to know about my research?

However puzzled was I, I obediently and patiently explained my thesis topics to him. I just gave a talk a few weeks ago, so it wasn't hard.

He surely did not understand a word I said, but he nodded to acknowledge my effort, "That sounds like difficult work. Well, let me ask you some simple physics questions."

He did not believe that I was a physicist.

"Do you know about isaknewton?"

"What? Isaknewton? What's that?" I did not know.

He felt a sudden triumphant, "You don't know isaknewton? I thought you were a physicist."

I became nervous, and repeated the word "isaknewton" in my mind intensely. "Ah! Isaac Newton! You are talking about Newton! Of course I know! Everybody knows Newton." I was excited about my discovery.

He wasn't happy about my epiphany, but his remained blank and said, in a monotone, "Then tell me about Newton's Laws."

Newton's Laws? Oh my God! I haven't touched the subject for at least ten years since high school. I can't remember what the laws are exactly. And I never even learned them in English. I became tense, but I didn't want to reveal my ignorance as a physicist. I started to make up some laws, pretended to be a world expert.

"The first is about the force and the acceleration. The second one is about inertia. The last one is, is about action and reaction." I didn't know if I was on the right track.

"Hmm," he wasn't satisfied, "I don't think you are right. Can you explain them in detail?"

I thought I must have guessed wrong, but I was in such a shock that I couldn't make up any new laws at that moment. All I could do was to elaborate my laws again. The more I explained, the more confused I sounded.

"You said you studied physics, but you don't even know Newton's Laws of Motion!" He was happy to have caught me. "Well, let me tell you about the Laws."

He recited the three famous laws by Newton, without a single pause. It was almost faster than the small prints in radio commercials. Oh man! He looked arrogant!

I couldn't utter a word. Although I realized that I had mentioned the correct laws, when comparing my uncertainty to his small prints, I felt like a failed cheater who was trying to pass as a bona fide physicist.

Now it seemed clear that he did not want to issue me a visa, but he needed to find some real crime.

I wasn't worried too much about the visa thing. Eventually they had to give me the visa, and it would just be a few days of waiting. I could enjoy the extra days with my family and just inform my advisor about the delay. Wait a minute, my advisor, what am I going to tell him? I suddenly felt uneasy. What's the reason that I can't get my visa in time? That I could not remember Newton's Laws of Motion? That's ridiculous! I cannot tell him that! He might disqualify me.

As we both were searching for our own resolution, another consul came in. He was a taller American Chinese. The first consul turned to him for help, "this guy claims to be a physicist, but he doesn't know Newton's Laws of Motion!"

The taller consul took a quick look at me. Then he started to recite the three famous laws by Newton, without a single pause. It was almost faster than the small prints in radio commercials. Oh my! He knows that too! What are they? Starving physicists who couldn't find a job after the Ph. D. and had to work in a consulate?

"Which school do you go to?" asked the taller consul.

"Caltech," I replied, not knowing what simple physics questions he would ask me next.

"Oh, Caltech. That school is very difficult. The Newton's Laws are probably too simple for him to know."

Wow! Finally there's someone with some common sense and reasonable human understanding towards a poor physics graduate student who was trying to get back to his studies. I felt so relieved and so grateful.

The first consul pretended not to believe in what the second consul said, but he agreed to issue me the visa, unwillingly. "You'd better study your subject harder," he advised.

Felt like a general who had just lost a big battle, I returned to the seat waiting for the paper work. There was a small old Chinese man sitting next to me. He just had an interview too. They approved his visa this time. He was planning to visit his daughter in Detroit.

"So what questions did the consul ask you?" He was curious.

I was embarrassed. "You see, I am a physics student. He didn't believe me. He tested my physics knowledge."

"Did he ask you about Newton's Laws of Motion?"

Oh My God! Even this little old Chinese man knows about the Newton's Laws of Motion!


First draft: 5/8/2000
Revision: 5/10/2000